I Am NOT a Cheerleader
by CSLupin
Summary: Brittany asks Daria to do her a little favor...oneshot


I'm NOT a Cheerleader  
  
Disclaimer: I own Daria. I work for MTV. I was actually just talking to my co-workers and we decided to bring Daria back with new episodes! Then, I  
woke up. No I don't own Daria, but boy, was that a good dream!  
  
Summary: Brittany wants Daria to do a little favor for her.  
  
La la la la la  
  
This is my stop  
  
Got to get off  
  
I might go pop  
  
Excuse me, Excuse me  
  
I've got to be direct  
  
La la la  
  
If I'm wrong, please correct  
  
La la la  
  
You're standing on my neck  
  
La la la  
  
You're standing on my neck  
  
La la la  
  
You're standing on my neck  
  
La la la la la  
  
La la la la la  
  
La la la la la  
  
( At Lawndale High. Daria and Jane are walking to class. Brittany comes up to them)  
  
Brittany: Daria, can I ask you something?  
  
Daria: Need fashion advice?  
  
Jane: You know Daria, a regular fashion maven.  
  
Brittany: Actually, I just need to ask you if you will- (looks around to see if people are watching) ooohhh. I can't tell you here. Come to my house after school. I'll explain there.  
  
Daria: Um. sure.  
  
Brittany: (nods and walks away)  
  
Jane: My spidey senses are tingling! Something strange is going on here.  
  
Daria: This is Lawndale. You don't need super powers to tell you that.  
  
(After school. Daria goes up to Brittany's house and rings the doorbell. Brittany opens the door.)  
  
Brittany: Hi Daria. Come in.  
  
(Daria walks in and is surprised to see Brittany wearing normal clothes. She is wearing a red top with jeans and her hair is down, instead of in pigtails. Brittany directs Daria to her room)  
  
Daria: Um. Brittany, why aren't you wearing your cheerleader outfit?  
  
Brittany: Um. well, you see, that's what I need to talk to you about. (They sit on her bed. Brittany's cheerleader uniform is folded neatly in a pile on her pillow.) I need to ask you a favor.  
  
Daria: Go ahead.  
  
Brittany: Well, Ms. Li threw me off of the squad because I am failing all of my classes.  
  
Daria: So you want me to tutor you?  
  
Brittany: Um no. Mr. O'Neil already found a tutor for me. (rushes and says this really fast) Iwantyoutotakemyplaceonthesquad!  
  
Daria: (wide-eyed) WHAT????? (stands up) No way!  
  
Brittany: (stands up) Daria, it's not, like, permanent or anything! It's only until I get my grades up!  
  
Daria: (VO: Which is pretty much the same thing) But why me?  
  
Brittany: Well, you're grades can't fall and you're the only one I can trust not to steal Kevvie! He can only date cheerleaders, you know. So. will you do it?  
  
(Author's Note: Ok, you know that rule in Lawndale about how football players can only date cheerleaders, and vice versa? Well then how come Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie go out with Quinn if they're on the football team??? I've always wanted to know the answer to that!)  
  
Daria: I don't know  
  
Brittany: (gets down on knees and begs) Oh, please, Daria??? PLEASE???  
  
Daria: (sighs) Oh, all right.  
  
Brittany: (gets up) Thanks Daria. (Brittany hands Daria her cheerleader uniform) Oh and do something with your hair. Like straighten it or something. Oh, and at least Try to be good at cheerleading. The squad might kick you off if you don't. and Mrs. Li said that if I couldn't come up with a replacement, they were going to get gulp QUINN! And you know how she is about Kevin! Daria: I should have known that is wasn't about my brains. Well, better get going. (leaves Brittany's house. She walks over to Jane's and rings the bell)  
  
Jane: What did she want?  
  
Daria: I've been drafted. Into cheerleading. (Jane gets wide eyed)  
  
(Commercial. See Brittany begging Daria)  
  
Jane: So it's only temporary?  
  
Daria: Yeah.  
  
Jane: And you have to straighten your hair?  
  
Daria: Yeah  
  
Jane: And you'll have to prance around in a skimpy cheerleader uniform, including when you come over to my house after school. in front of Trent?  
  
Daria: What's with the third degree??? I'm doing Brittany a favor until she gets her grades up!  
  
Jane: And how do you expect that to happen?  
  
Daria: She's getting tutored. So I thought, since you know more about hair and stuff, that you might help me achieved the "finished product" for tomorrow.  
  
Jane: Our little girl is growing up! (Daria glares at her) No, really, I'll be glad to help. Now, come into the bathroom and I'll see what I can do.  
  
(Cut to Brittany's house. The doorbell rings. Brittany answers it and sees Upchuck)  
  
Brittany: What are *you* doing here/  
  
Upchuck: I'm your tutor  
  
Brittany: Eep! You can't be serious  
  
Upchuck: I get all B's and C's  
  
Brittany: Shouldn't I be tutored by somebody who gets straight A's?  
  
Upchuck: Well I was the only one who volunteered for the job who actually has passing grades. I get C's for Charles and you get F's for Fiesty! But that will soon change and you will be getting B's for Beautiful!  
  
Brittany: And for Brittany  
  
(Cut back to Jane's house. Jane leaves the bathroom.)  
  
Jane: You can come out now, Daria!  
  
Daria: (VO form the bathroom) NO!  
  
Jane: Come on, there's nobody here but me!  
  
Daria: Are you sure!  
  
Jane: Trent's asleep. He won't be up for hours!  
  
Daria: Oh, all right! (Comes out from the bathroom. She is wearing the cheerleader outfit. Her hair is slick straight. She still has her glasses on, but she is a whole lot prettier.)  
  
Jane: The arteest has created a work of art! Daria the cheerleader!  
  
Daria: I think my IQ just dropped 50 points. (sighs) I'm going home. See you tomorrow.  
  
(Daria enters her house. She is wearing her jacket and covering her head so that it is hard to see her. She runs upstairs into her room and locks the door)  
  
Daria: Daria the cheerleader. What did I get myself into?  
  
(The next morning. Quinn, Helen, and Jake are at the kitchen table. Helen is eating breakfast. Jake is reading the cereal box. Quinn is on the phone with Sandi)  
  
Jake: Hey, did you know that Cheerios can lower your cholesterol?  
  
Quinn: That would be cute. That's kind of cute. Yeah. Uh-huh. EEEWWW! You are so right! How did he fall for *that*?? That would be totally cute. Yeah that would get his attention. Ok, bye! (Hangs up. The phone rings again) That's for me! Oh, *hiiiii* Tiffany! She did what?? Brittany? I wonder who's replacing her? Brooke??? No way! She is *soooo* not cute! I-  
  
(Daria comes down. Her hair is straight and she is wearing the cheerleader uniform)  
  
Quinn: Emergency. Gotta go. (Hangs up)  
  
Helen: Daria?? Daria: Brittany got thrown off the squad due to academic reasons and she asked me to be her replacement until she got her grades up. (Daria looks at her family. The all look dumbfounded. Daria smirks at this.) I'm going to Jane's after school. ( she reaches the door and turns around to face Quinn) If it doesn't interfere with cheerleader practice.  
  
(Daria meets up with Jane while walking to school)  
  
Daria: You know. being a cheerleader has its advantages.  
  
Jane: I can just imagine.  
  
(Commercial: See dumfounded family)  
  
(In Mr. O'Neil's class. People are staring at Daria and murmuring. You can tell by her smirk that she likes the attention. Kevin is staring at her. Brittany is wearing the same thing as the day before. She is engrossed in a copy of 1000 Easy Ways For A Popular Person To Bring Up Their Grades Without Having To Be Tutored By A Brain Or An Unpopular Person.)  
  
O'Neil: Can anybody name one of Shakespeare's tragedies? Kevin?  
  
Kevin: Um. Romeo. um. Romeo.  
  
O'Neil: (Excited that Kevin might actually have a right answer for once) Yes?  
  
Kevin: Romeo. oh yeah! Romeo Must Die! I love that movie!  
  
O'Neil: (sighs and looks disappointed) No, Kevin. If only Daria were here.  
  
Daria: But I am here. Mr. O'Neil.  
  
O'Neil: Daria? Is that you? But you're a cheerleader!  
  
Daria: Only temporarily.  
  
O'Neil: Well I think its great that you're getting involved! It really shows self-confidence and-  
  
Daria: I'm only doing it as a favor to Brittany.  
  
O'Neil: (flustered) Oh, well, it's still great that you're a good friend ad-  
  
(Mrs. Morris comes in)  
  
Morris: Sorry for interrupting, Timothy, but the cheerleaders are having an early practice so if Miss Taylor would just- (Daria stands up)  
  
Morris: (surprised) Miss Morgendorffer? Is that you?  
  
Daria: (VO: Why do people always do that when I change my looks?) Brittany was taken off of the squad because of her academic performance and she asked me to fill in for her.  
  
Morris: (dumbfounded) Uh. OK then. come with me, Miss Morgendorffer.  
  
(Daria and Morris walk to the gym. All of the other cheerleaders gawk at Daria)  
  
Morris: Girls, this is Daria. She will be filling in for Brittany while she is on Academic Probation. I'm sure Brittany will return shortly but in the meantime I'm sure Miss Morgendorffer will be a great replacement.  
  
(Daria walks up to the rest of the cheerleaders)  
  
Angie: Hi! I'm Angie and this is Lisa! (Points to the girl next to her)  
  
Lisa: Aren't you, like, a brain?  
  
Daria: No, you must be thinking of Dara. *I'm* not a brain. *I* have pep and bouncity-bounce!  
  
Lisa: You *are* a brain, aren't you?  
  
Daria: Oh yeah.  
  
Angie: Why did Morris pick you as a replacement?  
  
Daria: She didn't. Brittany did.  
  
Angie: But why? Is Brittany becoming a brain, too?  
  
Daria: No. It was either me or Quinn.  
  
Lisa: The one who likes Kevin?  
  
Daria: Yeah you know. my *SISTER*.  
  
Angie: She's your sister?  
  
Morris: Angie, why don't you show Daria our new cheer?  
  
Angie: Ok! Ready girls?  
  
Cheerleaders: Lets go!  
  
(Cut to Brittany in study hall. Upchuck is sitting next to her)  
  
Upchuck: Now, my sweet, we will go on to fractions! Lets start simple. If you have 1/4 and 3/5 will you go out with me?  
  
Brittany: What! No way! I love Kevvie!  
  
Upchuck: But you can't go out with him. You're not a cheerleader. And if you don't go out with me I will show him this (shows her the picture from "The Lab Brat") and then he won't go out with you even if you *do* become a cheerleader again!  
  
Brittany: EEP!  
  
(Cut back to Daria and the cheerleaders in the gym)  
  
Morris: Ok, Daria, you mastered all of the skills, now are you ready to try the cheer with the rest of the girls?  
  
Daria: Sure, I guess.  
  
Morris: Remember, you are at the TOP of the pyramid. Take it away, Angie!  
  
Angie: Ok, girls!  
  
(Cheerleaders line up in a row with Daria in the middle)  
  
(Author's Note: Ok, this cheer is really corny, but I couldn't think of anything else)  
  
Cheerleaders + Daria: LAWNDALE LIONS YOU'RE THE BEST  
YOU CAN BEAT ALL THE REST  
LIONS PLAY WITH ALL THEIR MIGHT  
LAWNDALE LIONS WIN THE FIGHT  
  
(Cheerleaders make a pyramid with Daria on top)  
  
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LIONS!  
  
Morris: (clapping) Very, very good! Daria, you're a natural!  
  
(Commercial: See Daria on top of the pyramid)  
  
(After school in Jane's room. Jane is painting cheerleader Daria flirting with Kevin. Daria is on Jane's bed)  
  
Jane: You mean you were actually *good* at cheerleading?  
  
Daria: Yeah. Believe it or not, Morris said I have a natural talent.  
  
Jane: Then again, any idiot can cheer, so I wouldn't call it an accomplishment.  
  
Daria: Actually, it's not that easy. You have to remember all of the cheers and be able to perform the stunts. I'm telling you, it took about 3 times before I could get to the top of a simple pyramid.  
  
Jane: You were on the top of a pyramid? (Raises an eyebrow) Impressive.  
  
Daria: Oh, shut up!  
  
(Trent walks in)  
  
Trent: Hey Janey. Hey Dar- WOAH  
  
Daria: What? (Daria's face starts turning red)  
  
Trent: DARIA? But you're-  
  
Jane: Yup. Out little Daria is a cheerleader.  
  
Daria: (now beet red) I'm filling in for Brittany because she's on Academic Probation.  
  
Trent: Cheerleader Daria, Regular Daria. As long as it's Daria it doesn't matter to me. (Pauses and stares at Daria for a moment) You look good with straight hair. (Daria's face gets even redder. Trent glances at Jane's painting. He smirks, grins at Daria, then leaves the room)  
  
Daria: Is he gone?  
  
Jane: Yes. Oh, and watch out for that tomato that's on my bed- oh! Wait, that's you!  
  
Daria: Yeah, well you certainly didn't help.  
  
Jane: Why don't you just tell him how you feel about him?  
  
Daria: I would, but then I'd have to kill him.  
  
Jane: He doesn't hate you, Daria.  
  
Daria: I'm a cheerleader, Jane. Everybody hates me.  
  
Jane: (imitating Brittany) Kevvie doesn't!  
  
Daria: I'd better get home. There's a game tomorrow. Coming?  
  
Jane: Why not. It aught to be a laugh.  
  
(Cut to Angie's house. Cheerleaders are having a sleepover in Angie's room)  
  
Angie: So what do you think of Daria?  
  
Lisa: She's Ok, I guess. Nikki?  
  
Nikki: She's pretty cool. for a brain.  
  
Angie: I think she has a natural talent. Maybe, once Brittany gets back, we could make our little squad of 6 into 7. What do you think?  
  
Other Cheerleaders: Yeah!  
  
Cheerleaders + Angie: GOOOOOOOOOO CHEER!  
  
(Author's Note: In the series we only see 4 cheerleaders: Brittany, Angie, Lisa, and Nikki. But in "Is It College Yet?" Brittany mentions that there are other cheerleaders. So I just assumed a small number like 6.)  
  
(Next day. School is over. Daria has her straight hair and cheerleader uniform. She is walking home with Jane)  
  
Jane: Big game today?  
  
Daria: Yup. The time has come.  
  
Jane: How are you feeling?  
  
Daria: Nervous. I wish I could go back to when Brittany asked me to do this and say no. I want to go back!  
  
Jane: You want to go back. Back in time. Back to a place that never really existed. Back to a world that only exists in your imagination. Back to. the Twilight Zone. Ready to rah-rah your brains out?  
  
Daria: We don't rah-rah.  
  
Jane: "We"? Are you forgetting that you're not one of "Them"? You're only a fill-in for Brittany  
  
Daria: Yeah, well-  
  
Angie: Daria! I've been looking for you! We need to talk. (Glares at Jane) ALONE  
  
Jane: Talk to you later. (Walks away)  
  
Angie: Daria. you show great talent. and we were wondering. if after Brittany gets back. if you would join the squad. permanently.  
  
Daria: (wide-eyed) Um. I'm going to have to think about it.  
  
Angie: Ok. Give us you're decision at the game. (Walks away)  
  
(Daria catches up with Jane)  
  
Jane: What, did they want to find a different replacement for Brittany?  
  
Daria: Um. I have to go. I'll see you at the game.  
  
(At the game)  
  
Angie: Daria? Do you have you're decision?  
  
Daria: Yes. I-  
  
Brittany: I'm back! I have all C's! I can cheer again! You can go now, Daria.  
  
Angie: Actually, Daria is very good, and she was just about to tell us whether or not she wants to join the squad.  
  
Brittany: And replace me?  
  
Angie: Of course not. Well Daria?  
  
Daria: Ok. My decision is.  
  
(Cut to Jane. She is walking onto the bleachers with Trent)  
  
Trent: Why are we here again?  
  
Jane: (sigh) Daria's cheering.  
  
Trent: (smiles) Oh yeah. Jane: (smirks) Yeah, she's the reason why you woke up before 5:00, remember?  
  
Trent: (goes red) Shut up, Janey.  
  
Jane: Why don't you ask her out?  
  
Trent: (going redder) How. how did you-  
  
Jane: It's sort of obvious.  
  
Announcer: IIIIITTTTTTTSSSSSSSS HALFTIME! Now for the Lawndale Cheerleaders!  
  
Jane: Ooooh! Here she comes!  
  
Cheerleaders: : LAWNDALE LIONS YOU'RE THE BEST  
YOU CAN BEAT ALL THE REST  
LIONS PLAY WITH ALL THEIR MIGHT  
LAWNDALE LIONS WIN THE FIGHT  
  
(Cheerleaders make a pyramid with Daria on top)  
  
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LIONS!  
  
(Jane and Trent are shocked)  
  
Trent: She wasn't that bad.  
  
Jane: She was actually good!  
  
Announcer: And now the Lawndale mascot!  
  
Brittany: Gosh, Daria, you were good!  
  
Daria: I have to find Jane. I'll be right back.  
  
(Daria's POV. Looks up into the stands and sees Jane and Trent. Normal POV)  
  
Daria: She brought Trent? That means he saw me cheer! I'm going to kill her.  
  
(Daria walks up to the stands)  
  
Daria: Hey Jane.  
  
Trent: I didn't know you could cheer!  
  
(Daria goes red)  
  
Jane: Yeah, well now it's all over now that Brittany is back, right?  
  
Daria: Um. not exactly.  
  
Jane: What do you mean? Spill, Morgendorffer.  
  
Daria: Well, they offered me a spot on the squad. and I accepted.  
  
Trent + Jane: WHAT?!?!?!  
  
Daria: I'm still the same person. I'm just a cynic with pom-poms.  
  
Trent: (laughs) Good one, Daria.  
  
Daria: Besides, it will really annoy Quinn that I'm a cheerleader. So, Lane, do you hate me now?  
  
Jane + Trent: No. (Daria is wide-eyed when Trent answers)  
  
Trent: Hey, Daria, can I talk to you for a minute? (Jane grins)  
  
Daria: Sure (They walk away, unaware that Jane is spying on them)  
  
Trent: So what's it like to be a cheerleader?  
  
Daria: No different. Except all of my sarcasm has unwillingly been converted into pep.  
  
Trent: (Laughs nervously) So. cheerleaders can only go out with football players. right?  
  
Daria: (getting red) Um. yeah, I guess. but that rule is kind of dumb.  
  
Trent: So. can you go out with musicians?  
  
Daria: (smiling a little) Um. I don't see why not.  
  
Announcer: And Kevin Thompson is running. he's gonna make it!  
  
Trent: So.  
  
Daria: So.  
  
Trent: Wanna, um, go for pizza, or something after the game?  
  
Daria: With Jane?  
  
Trent: Um, no. alone.  
  
Daria: (smiling) Sure, why not.  
  
(Trent smiles back)  
  
Announcer: And it's a touchdown!  
  
Jane: (smiling at what she just saw with Daria and Trent) Touchdown.  
  
The End 


End file.
